Interview with Russian General - A War in Ukraine Satire

 

"Why do you believe there are nazis in Ukraine?" - Asks a journalist one of Russian generals.

This is very simple; they have weapons, and these weapons have ammunition in them. We just sent another suicidal attack wave at them to make sure, and they all got shot. There is no mistake that they have weapons and ammunition for these weapons. That is what gives away that they are Nazis. Since there is no way actual Ukrainians will have any weapons, much less any ammunition in them, the only logical conclusion is that these are not Ukrainians but Nazis in disguise.

We did a few false flag operations in certain locations I cannot talk about, because it's a military secret, so we know a false flag operation when we see it. We do not just blindly trust anything, because smart people always doubt everything. Just look at their level of organisation, discipline, combat ability. They kill wave after wave of suicidal charges without even breaking a sweat. It's just like it was on the Eastern Front during WWII. There is no mistake about it. No one but Nazis could fight that good.

Ukrainians are our brothers, and we know them better than anyone. They are lazy, greedy and selfish. The moment they get anything they could sell for profit; they will do it in a flash. They would sell all their weapons to African warlords, like Robert Kony and then spend all that money on Maldives holidays and Maybach Mercedeses. We in Russia do it too, but we will not sell more than 70%, maximum 80%, of all weapons. If we sell any more the world will stop seeing us as a serious superpower, so we envy Ukrainians who can sell it all. Finally, when Ukrainians will run out of money, they will go to EU to beg for some more, then to us if EU will not give them any. Remember how Yanukovych did it just in 2013. That is Ukrainians for you.

But these people we are fighting are nothing like that. They fight back with tenacity and resilience. Even civilians oppose us, armed civilians of Kyiv, Chernihiv and Sumy oblasts drove out entire armies out in little more than 40 days. Can you believe Ukrainians could do something like that. Of course not, they must be something else entirely. That is why it's important for us to defeat them and then interrogate them until they confess what they did to actual Ukrainians.

Feeling that there is no way to break through such a conspiracy theory wall of delusion, journalist askes another question. - "Suppose there are Nazis in Ukraine, why Russia had to get involved?" - Asked the journalist.

Ukrainians are brothers to Russians so we just cannot leave their country like that. We had to interfere. 

In fact, both of our brotherly people are stupid in their own way. Just yesterday the youngest brother, Belarus, sold me enough potatoes to feed entire Russia. Today they come and say they has nothing to eat. Turns out they forgot to leave any potatoes for himself, so we had to help him with his potatoes.

As an older sibling, Russians have to look after our two idiot younger brothers. They will starve and lose their countries to Nazis without us. - Concluded general.

"Could it be that Ukrainians are simply much smarter and more resourceful that what you perceive them to be" - Asks the journalist? 

"Of course, not" - Replies the general. 

"Are you sure?" - Asks journalist.

"I am 100% sure of that." - Replies general.

There is one other thing we want to know. Who are these Nazis who replaced Ukrainians after Euromaidan coup. Where they came from before they took over Ukraine. EU and NATO all play dumb and pretend they were Ukrainians all along, but we know better, there is no way someone so orderly and capable could be a Ukrainian. They are hiding something.

The whole 8 years since Euromaidan we pondered over the above question until we finally found the answer. They are killer robots from the future, like in Terminator movies. That EU and NATO somehow got their hands on such advanced technology and now use it against Russia. 

Just look at their advanced self-targeting weapons and drones that can fire such weapons and then go back to base. These are not things human technology is capable of. We do not have anything like that and there is no technology our spies could not steal from Americans... I mean our brilliant scientists could not invent entirely on our own. I we do not have it, then it's not humanly possible. There are no mistake they are killer robots from the future.

There is also alternative theory. That Germans invented a German Europa Virus that infects people and turns them into Germans. EU somehow managed to infect them all. They also infect protesters in Minsk and Moscow...

Jean Claude Junker suddenly appears out nowhere and manically laughs. "So, you have finally figured it out. However, it's too late, German Europa Virus already infected all Ukrainians and turned them into Germans. The Ukraine as you remember it is no more."

Russian general exclaims: "see I was right, and you did not believe me"

"That is not all. Soon the virus will infect the entire Russia, Belarus and other former Soviet States. There is nothing you can do to stop it. Soon the entire continent will be as orderly and prosperous as Germany" adds Junker.

"No, no, no" - replies shocked Russian general - "anything but that."

"Why so negative. You too enjoy German Maybach Mercedes cars. Aren't you already infected?" - Replies Junker

"That is different, What Russian does not like German cars and German quality." - replies Russian General - "More importantly why are you going to sell these Germans cars if all Russians will turn into Germans. Germans earn a lot of money but spend none of it and then buy a house."

"It's a stereotype. Only those from Baden-Wurttemberg do that." Replied Junker. Russian general scoffed at this rebuke, but Junker continued to insist until everyone left.

Yet general's words left an impression on Junker. Not enough to stop the spread of virus but still enough to give him sleepless nights every so often. Where would money for German and EU prosperity will come from if they run out of Russians to buy Mercedeses? It has become like a rhetorical question Thinking about it made Junker feel like a classical philosopher. To simply say that future generations will figure something out was too whimsical, un-German even. There had to be the answer, but no matter how much Junker thought, he could not figure it out. Face of that Russian general haunted him day and night, always asking the same question. The question that was killing Junker from the inside.

Then Saudis came and said they like Mercedes because of Lewis Hamilton and will buy as many as Germany can produce. I am no Dostoyevsky to drag this on entire novel length.

Social Libertarian Manifesto

 

In various political discussions I often identify as Social Libertarian. Libertarianism is often misused and confusing term that often means vastly different things depend on who is using it. That breeds undue confusion and misinformation. Because of that I decided to write a summary for my political views and call it a Social Libertarian Manifesto.

To begin with a little bit of history. Back when liberalism was originally created, the western world was a class-based society. Status, inherited from one's parents determined one's wealth and place in society. Children of nobility enjoyed privileged existence at expense of everyone else. Actual privileges vary between countries but very often nobility owned all land in the nation, were tax except and even had special privileged laws and courts just for them. Police could arrest a commoner but not a nobleman, only fellow noblemen could judge another nobleman. The majority of common people, had to pay, rent to nobility, tax to the state and were treated as inferiors in law, in court and in social situations. Such an unfair and unjust society. As we are now it's hard to believe all that was the case mere 250 years ago and, in some places, even less than that.

Back then Liberalism aimed to fight against all that. Liberalism aimed to bring people equality and freedom, abolish unfair class system and special laws based on social status. It both succeeded and failed at the same time. Liberalism did succeed in changing the laws and abolishing any legal inequalities. Nowadays we have equality before law and nobility special privileges were relegated to history books (mostly). 

On the other hand, liberalism created a new different kind of social stratification, based on wealth instead of legal status. Marx called them bourgeoisie and proletariat. Rich (bourgeoisie) had enough money and knowledge to create new businesses and shape the world as we know it. Poor (proletariat) did not have enough money or knowledge and thus were relegated to working for the rich.

All in all, liberalism failed to achieve its original objectives of creating equal and fair world for everyone. Rich and poor replaced lords and commons, but fundamentally society was just as divided into two tiers of people as it was before. Technically new division is not based on heredity, but in practice most wealth is inherited rather than created from scratch. Nobility too was once conditional to military service but gradually became just a set of inherited privileges. See the pattern here.

What liberalism initially meant to be, before it gradually fused with its original enemy and formed conservative liberalism or liberal conservatism. An alliance made in hell. Conservatism embraced certain aspects of liberalism to stay relevant and electable meanwhile liberalism lost its soul and became shell of its former self, touting token achievements while failing to notice glaring problems. So much so that Socialism came to supplant its place as champion of the people. However, Socialism has different rather illiberal ethos and far from a successor to the dreams and aspirations of freedom loving people.

Social Libertarianism is a resurrection of the original classical principles of liberalism. Social Libertarianism is neither Socialist nor it is Conservative in its principles. It's an adaptation of liberal principles to the realities of life as well as to the realities of 21st century socio-economic environment. An ideology to achieve real freedom, equality and justice. To that end Social Libertarianism embraces those policies and ideas that are conductive to achieving its objectives while opposing those that are contrary to its aims.

[continue later]