I came up with it originally around 2016 elections. So, it references some of the policies from these times.
Recently I decided to write it down and add more modern stuff to it.
Liberals:
Senate refuses to authorize us pouring petrol in fire by claiming it will make fire worse, so we want Double Dissolution to break the stranglehold. In the meanwhile, we will throw old carboard boxes, dried leaves, old tires and documental evidence of our corruption into the fire to make it str ... er ... I mean extinguish it of course.
Labor caused the fire. They have L plate on fire management, and we don't (have any).
We have many years of uninterrupted good fire management experience as there was no fires during Howard and Menzies eras.
Analysis.
In touch with reality. Have sound understanding of the problem.
Too evil and malicious to actually solve it as they are paid off by developers who want to develop the plot once fire clears it out.
Just blames everything on Labor.
Labor:
We have recently completed a brand-new porch for the house. It is very modern and also has wheelchair lift to comply with disability regulations.
We have 100 more different ideas on how to improve the house and make it more modern and livable.
Liberals are too negative, vote for positive policies.
Analysis.
Wants to do good but completely out of touch with reality. All the improvements would not matter as fire will consume the entire house.
Greens:
Let's get to the nearest water supply pipe, plug the garden hose in somehow and start extinguishing the damn fire.
Also, we want three wheelchair lifts on the porch. As we lack creativity and simply steal Labor policies but triple them
Analysis.
They are most likely to actually extinguish the fire. They might also extinguish local water supply and cause a flood as they do that.
Libs hate them as they want to spend even more than Labor.
One Nation:
Fire was caused by a guy who was making BBQ too close to the building. Let's ban all BBQ and throw all stoves and ovens into fire to prevent this from ever happening again.
Analysis.
Has understanding of the problem and even has a solution. Propose a solution that is very un-Australian.
Nick Xenophon Team:
Lets revive Australian buckets and Australian creeks. We will use buckets to draw water from nearest creek and pour it on fire to extinguish it. We will walk by foot as we do that.
Also, fire was caused by pokies, not even I can explain how though.
Analysis.
A kind of common-sense solution that is likely to be insufficient to actually extinguish the fire. However good enough to nearly winning South Australian Premiership.
Palmer United Party/ United Australia Party:
We have the best pesticides and the best pest-control team to rid your home from fire ants in the most humane way possible.
None of the major parties have our pesticide.
Analysis.
Loosely sound like it is relevant to the problem. Really just promises whatever sounds well to catch as many disaffected voters as possible.
Teal independents:
...
Analysis.
By now people will vote for you simply because you are not any of the above or below.
Centre Alliance:
...
Analysis.
They keep winning their seats even without leadership or a program. Teal independents stole their strategy from them.
Centre Alliance however hardly came up with this strategy as they simply do not know what to do after Nick Xenophon left them. Not that it prevents them from winning.
National Party:
What is this 'solution' thing you are talking about? What do you mean governance is not about sitting in a chair and picking a nose?
Analysis.
Outback votes for them anyway so they would not even bother to come up with any policies. They lose to KAP and independents only sometimes so no need to worry about it, right?
Katter's Australia Party:
Boils Billy in fire and willing to share it with everyone.
We do not have fire on houses up north, so you are welcome to move it.
Analysis.
They represent outback and try to solve their own problems.
Australian Conservatives:
We can be even more tory than Liberals. Vote for extra toryism.
Analysis,
It took Cory Bernardy so many years to realise that people do not vote for toryism. They are misled into voting for it. On the other hand, he probably just gave up on it without realizing why it failed.
Shooters, Fishers, Farmers:
We need to hurry and save all guns, fishing rods and other tools from a shed before fire gets there.
Analysis.
Vote them if guns and fishing rods matter more than homes. Still more adequate than some others on the list.
Fusion/Pirate Party:
We have solutions that will work, look at our many pages rocket science spreadsheets that outline how we are going to do it.
Analysis.
Too hard for most voters to understand. Will probably work better than what Greens have.
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